Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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