So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
