the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
