You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
