dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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