You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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