he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
