Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
