Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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