So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
