everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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