I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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