so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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