So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Small penises have feelings too.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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