She is in my trunk
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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