We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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