ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
