I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
