Welp...herpes.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
