Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
