They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
worst night to have a conscience
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
