Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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