It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
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A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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