So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
