I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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