so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
