Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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