i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
