he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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