Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
