I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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