OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
