just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
