I think I am morally bankrupt
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
