i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.