so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Randomize
