i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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