my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
