i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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