Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
