I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
