When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
