Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
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You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
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Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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