look no pants
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
