So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
