There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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