last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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