What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
