He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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