I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
