I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
