i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
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I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
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I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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