and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
