I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
