my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
