so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
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he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
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I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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